Have you ever thought to yourself “What the F…. am I doing here?” Ya, we can intellectualize and say many things, but really, what is this life experience all about? Have you ever gone within with this question? I’ve been pondering this from my earliest memory. When I was 15 years old, I was in my first rehab and as I sat in the cafeteria watching the colorful lights on the xmas tree and listening to the rain outside, I wrote this poem. “As the rain hits hard on the ground, it seems as if it has to be found. So many drops come down from the sky, where do they come from and why? Is it someone who cares up there, or is it someone who is just aware. Aware of the fact that we need water to live, does he want to take or give. What is life, what is it for, please explain it to me a little bit more.” I made a video from a message that recently flowed through me after a deep meditation on this question, the link is below if you want to listen to it.

Now, back to the reason why I’m writing this. I’ve tried many times to take my life, cutting myself, taking pills and starving myself but, fricken eh, nothing worked. In 1996 I watched my Dad die from cancer, it was the one of the hardest things I experienced, then in 2007 my mother died from cancer, what the F….. they were both so young, here I was resisting being alive and people leave who LOVE life. Why didn’t God take me, ti wasn’t fair, not only that, I was left in a world where I felt so alone already and now my parents were gone. Shit, now what? The now what was it was time to face myself and life and the reasons why I was so frighted to be alive. The fact that I didn’t feel like I fit in was a big one, “How can I live in a world where I don’t belong, think or feel like anyone else?” The only time I really felt “safe” was when I was in hospitals and treatment centers, hence why I kept doing behaviors for over 23 years that would put me in there.
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Why am I sharing this you might ask, isn’t it time to let go of that story? To that one I say. B.S. I’m sharing my story because I can imagine that there’s other people who feel the same way or who have had similar experiences. I’m not looking for approval or pitty, I AM sharing it to offer hope and encouragement to anyone who might feel discouraged or hopeless. How I’ve found inner peace is by honoring what’s inside of me. My story is part of why I’m here, what I’ve been through has given me the experience to help others. People see me today, that’s great, but they don’t know the challenges I went through to get here. Ya, I’ve been through the darkness and have moved into the light. How many times do we just see the end result? I don’t know about you, but I feel a deeper connection with others who are willing to share their journey, where they are even if they’re struggling today and what they’ve been through to get to the light. it’s inspiring to me to see their courage and strength. Honesty is SEXY, there’s a difference between sharing our stories and Being our stories, get it? I’m not my story then and I’m not my story now, however, my story is part of my experience and has shaped me into the woman I play in this earthly game, but my spirit always remains the same. So, life, what are we here for, to me the answer is we’re here to learn to live in the vibration of LOVE, to LOVE and BE LOVED. All of our lessons are bringing us back to LOVE. We’ll keep getting them until we LOVE. What is our purpose, to me this is to BE our authentic selves, that’s it. What comes from that is how we share our purpose in the world without being attached to how much we get “rewarded” for it through approval, money etc. Are there days where I just wanna go “home.” You betcha, but hey, I’m still here, there’s more to learn about myself. This past year I’ve had some major breakthroughs, I’ve come into my power, my truth and my connection to my heart and soul and the non physical is more clear then ever before. I’m excited to see what transpires next as I move along this journey. I’ve come to LOVE, value and appreciate myself and this gift called life. My wish for YOU and all BEings on earth is that you come to know, experience, embrace and LOVE the beautiful and precious soul you are and that value and celebrate this gift called life. YOU can do this, I believe in YOU and I LOVE YOU