Have you ever wondered where your thoughts come from, why you believe what you believe, say what you say and do what you do? My father passed away from cancer in 1996, the doctor told him that he had 6 months to live and he died exactly 6 months later.

Do we create self fulfilling prophecies from suggestions, thoughts, words or opinions from ourselves or others? Is what’s happening in our lives our own creation or is it part of our destiny? Have you ever assumed something before knowing the truth, got really upset and then found out that what you assumed wasn’t true? Have you ever allowed information given to you by another person have power over your life? Are you making choices today based on experiences, perceptions, beliefs, words or opinions from yourself or others from past experiences?

I recently went to the dermatologist and I pointed to a spot on my face and he said “That happens with age, you’ll probably start getting more of them.” I had a choice at that moment to choose what I would like to believe and I told myself that my skin is getting clearer and healthier everyday in everyway.

At age 13 I was told by my doctor that I was getting heavy and that I should lose weight. Two years later I entered my first hospital for anorexia weighing 80 pounds and for over 23 years I was in and out of hospitals and treatment centers living in an eating/exercising trance.

Now, my doctor’s weren’t wrong for saying what they said, they were just giving me information and I had a choice on what I wanted to do with the information I was given.

Looking back at my experience at age 13, I recognized that the interpretations, rather the mis-interpretations I made at the time were; “I wasn’t good enough, I was wrong and flawed, it wasn’t okay or safe for me to be me, my body was wrong and in order for me to be okay and accepted I had to be thin or someone different from who I was.”

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Was the way I interpreted my doctor’s words a mirror of the beliefs, judgments and perceptions I held about myself and the world at the time? Was the eating disorder a symptom, a way I played out those beliefs, judgments and perceptions? Did I develop an eating disorder because of the suggestion given to me from my doctor to lose weight? Was he my teacher, an angel in disguise? Was it part of my destiny to have an eating disorder; what I came here to experience so I can help myself and others heal? Was this an issue I had with needing approval from others in order to approve of myself? Did I not like who I was, feel good enough, worthy or lovable? Did I use eating disorder behaviors to avoid feeling my feelings, numb out and disassociate? Was I trying to feel safe and accepted in a world where I didn’t and I chose to use eating disorder behaviors to comfort and protect myself? Did I identify myself as an anorexic and shrink my sense of self down to completely identify with it and isolate myself in the experience?

Probably all the above and more, everything happened perfectly for what I’m here to learn and heal. If earth is a classroom where we get to learn and grow and my outer world is a reflection of my inner reality, then my experiences, my doctors and everyone else in my life then and today are the perfect people to assist me in my healing, growth and development.

I’ve read many articles that say anorexia is about “control” however, it’s also important to look at the underlying reasons why someone feels that they need to control their food and weight, generally it is unconscious and an automatic response and the person isn’t aware of the reasons. Most often limiting beliefs, judgments and/or mis-perceptions are the drivers of most disempowering behaviors. Most of it is unconscious; however, you can begin to recognize them in your present circumstances. For instance, you might ask yourself; “Why do I get upset when……? Or why do I act this way when….? Or why do I start something and not complete it?” Take a moment now to think about something that’s presently bothering you. Notice what happened, what you told yourself about what happened and how you felt, these are clues to limiting beliefs, judgments or mis-perceptions you may be holding about yourself and/or the world. Now, close your eyes, go into your heart and ask your loving wisdom; “What is the inner meaning of this event? What do I believe this means about me? (For example “I’m not lovable or I’m not good enough”) What can I learn from this?” Notice any beliefs, judgments or misunderstandings and from a place of compassion ask yourself; “Is there another perception I could choose that would give me a more positive feeling? How can I have compassion right now? What would I rather believe instead?” How do you imagine your experience might be different now? You might want to consider updating the old belief and create a simple affirmation to support your new perception such as “I am naturally lovable.” Write it down, carry it with you and say it as many times as possible throughout the day with enthusiasm. The energy that you bring to the affirmation will enhance it.

My own healing process started when I truly decided that I wanted to have a chance at life, to experience what it would be like to be happy and healthy, be a loving friend to myself and others and engage in a fulfilling life experience. By allowing myself to feel what I was feeling I was able to recognize the beliefs, judgments, perceptions and misunderstandings that were creating self hatred, destructive behaviors and feelings of unworthiness, and brought forgiveness, love, compassion and understanding to my mind, body, soul and spirit. I did this by staying in the present moment, being 100% in my body, allowing myself to feel all of my feelings, loving, appreciating and accepting myself and my experiences and connecting to the divine through quietness and meditation. By trusting my process and allowing my healing to happen on its own time without trying to force it and focusing my attention on becoming healthy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I am now experiencing self love and inner peace. At times I didn’t feel I could get through, however, by staying with what I was feeling without using an avoidance strategy, I’ve been able to understand, have compassion, change what is necessary to love myself and all my experiences. It’s not always easy to look at certain thoughts, feelings and behaviors, however, by being willing to become aware of the parts in which I didn’t want to embrace and bringing compassion and understanding to the them and the reasons why I created them, I have the opportunity to change and live more in alignment with my heart and soul.

We only know what we know, once things are brought to our awareness we have a choice on how we want to view them and associate with ourselves and our situations in the present moment. It’s definitely a lot easier to hear “good” news instead of “bad” news which is really our perception. When we take away the labels of good/bad, right/wrong, everything just is and it’s an opportunity to find the deeper meaning in the experience. Appreciating all of your experiences and seeing what you can learn from them will assist you in your healing and becoming self-empowered. Instead of saying “This shouldn’t be happening” which is a form of resistance, you might want to consider saying “I don’t know why this is happening, however, there must be a reason, what can I learn, how can I grow from this?” Not everything will make sense in the moment, what’s most important is that you are gentle and loving with yourself. Life is a process and everyday we have the opportunity to learn, grow, heal and LOVE. You are valuable, you are lovable and you deserve to live a happy, loving and fulfilling life. You are worth it!