Is the pain of the past keeping you from living freely, loving openly and enjoying your life journey? Are you someone who’s read all the self help books, gone years to talk therapy but nothing seems to be changing?

If this is you, I get it, that was me too and I started to believe that there was something wrong with me because I just couldn’t feel at peace and I didn’t know how to be.

I tried to keep busy so I wouldn’t feel my pain, but my life and my relationships mirrored it back to me. I couldn’t escape it or myself no matter how hard I tried and I always felt horrible about myself and life.

I was seeing through the eyes of pain and fear which filtered my perceptions of myself, others and the world. I thought everyone wanted to hurt me and I made up stories about others not liking or caring about me which was based on the unresolved pain I was carrying.

I treated myself in horrible ways, I felt unlovable and unworthy and I seemed to put myself in situations where I would prove those beliefs being reflected back to me; I expected it to happen in my reality, it was the self concept I had of me.

I was triggered by everyone and everything, my mind/body was stuck in fight/flight/freeze and my default mechanism was to focus on doubt, worry, fear, negativity, people hurting me, rejection and what could go wrong.

I was existing in survival mode, just trying to get through the day in a “safe” and habitual way. I was afraid to try new things and I struggled with eating disorders, anxiety, depression and doing self harming for over 23 years of my life starting from age 15.

Until I started doing my inner healing I thought the pain was happening because of the present circumstances I was having. After starting my healing journey I realized that my issues in my relationship with myself, others and my life were stemming from unresolved painful and traumatic experiences from my childhood.

I kept creating and recreating the same painful experiences with “new people” and situations but I didn’t understand why. This was happening because I was “frozen in time” my mind and body was stuck in perspective because I hadn’t healed and resolved my past painful experiences.

I was living in a trance, my past programming was making my decisions, filtering my perceptions and keeping me in a prison. It seemed as if I was “addicted” to feeling bad, sad and feeling horrible and from what I understand about subconscious programming and homeostasis, that did make sense.

If I would start to feel happy something in me would bring about a thought, feeling or an experience that would make me feel crappy. No matter how much therapy I did, no matter how much I tried to get rid of the depression, anxiety, eating disorders and not do self harming, no matter how many affirmations I said, no matter how hard I tried to be self loving, I would remain in the sadness, hurt, depression and pain.

I once read something that really resonated “Nothing ever goes away until it taught us what we need to know.” So, in essence, everything we’re feeling has a great learning and with pain, it’s an opportunity for healing/resolving, learning how to be more compassionate and LOVEing and reconnecting with our true being,

So, where did my pain/trauma start? I grew up in a family where I was constantly teased and criticized, mostly by my father. I internalized his words which created a negative self image and I became my own mean parent. The pain of being teased and criticized; being called fat, ugly and stupid made me feel worthless.

I was alone a lot and I ate food to help me soothe the pain, loneliness and rejection I was feeling. I didn’t understand why “Those big people were so mean” all I ever wanted was to be LOVED and accepted for being me, not criticized, judged and told I could never do anything right.

I thought I was doomed, I lived in a cocoon, I hated myself and everyone else, I had no idea on how to live or how to be, all I knew was pain and misery and I thought there was something wrong with me. “Why can’t I just be happy, why is everyone always mad at me, why do I live in so much misery, why can’t I just have fun and play,?”

Life seemed like a struggle, it seemed like I had no hope, if I did or said anything ‘wrong” LOVE was withheld. Even after going in and out of hospitals and treatment centers, seeing therapists and taking medication for over 23 years, I was still living in pain and fear and I didn’t want to be here.

I would cut my wrists and face to inflict pain because in some backwards way I felt I deserved it. I starved my body and exercised compulsively, I spoke to myself negatively and acted out in other self destructive ways.

I tried to soothe my pain through being busy and focusing on making money. I thought if I made more money then I would finally feel worthy, and I did, but it was only momentarily. It became a high, an obsession,

I was trying to use an outer appearance to make me feel valuable, lovable and worthy, but it never really helped me to feel that way because the pain was blocking my true being where feeling valuable, lovable and worthy is felt naturally.

My sweet little Debra (my inner child) was afraid and I didn’t know how to comfort her, how could I, I had no mirroring of what that was like, I had no sense of what loving and caring for myself even meant, I was too caught up in “my” painful experiences.

Healing isn’t about fixing or trying to get rid of the pain, it’s more about understanding what the pain is revealing and offering love to the parts that are hurting. Pain is often our inner child letting us know it wants and needs our loving attention; it wants to be heard, seen, cared for and LOVED and accepted unconditionally.

When we ignore, numb or suppress our pain our inner child keeps on hurting and that’s the energy that’s moving in our bodies, flittering our perceptions and dictating our thoughts, feelings and actions.

I remember the first time I was happy, truly happy for no reason, nothing had changed in the outer, I felt the LOVE and joy at my center because of the healing work I was doing, it was the most beautiful feeling of coming home to ME

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When starting or if you’re on the healing/self LOVE journey, please be kind, compassionate and gentle with yourself and please know that you haven’t done anything wrong and there isn’t anything wrong with you, the effects of trauma runs deep and has an impact on how we experience ourselves, others and our reality.

And, please know that if you’re experiencing pain, that’s okay, it’s part of being a human being, however, if you’re experiencing consistent pain, challenges in your relationship with yourself and others and/or symptoms created by long held in painful emotions like chronic fatigue, autoimmune disease, addictions, depression or anxiety, then I would encourage you to receive support from someone who can hold a space of unconditional LOVE and acceptance and assist you in finding and healing the root cause that’s creating the symptoms you’re having.

Some people may say that you need to sit with your feelings in order to heal and in a sense this is true, however, for me, just sitting with my feelings only flooded my system and made me even more depressed, suicidal and anxious. Healing is learning how to feel, process and express our emotions; learning emotional regulating, however, if we’re doing self healing all alone, that may be a bit challenging so please be discerning.

Healing is a process and the first step is to learn how to be compassionate and make peace with ourselves, our feelings and our circumstances as is, today.

Here are some suggestions to assist you in your healing;
When we’re triggered our emotional backed addictions filters our perceptions and we automatically regress back to the original wounding, the unresolved pain and the meanings we concluded at that time like “I’m unlovable, I don’t matter, I never do anything right.” These meanings are what’s creating the upset, the trigger, emotional reaction about what’s happening. Instead of pointing the finger out there, a better a better approach is to pause, take a deep breath and ask yourself
How am I feeling? “Sad, afraid, hurt, etc.”
What am I saying this means? “I’m unlovable, I don’t matter, etc.”
What does this remind me of? “My father when he always screamed at me.”
What am I/my inner child needing? “LOVE, a hug, to set a boundary, speak up for myself, call a supportive friend, healer or counselor.”
How can I give myself what I’m needing?

By taking time to do this you’re giving yourself the opportunity to heal the inner disturbance that’s going on in the subconscious; our triggers bring them to our awareness.

Pause throughout the day and ask yourself “How am I relating to myself right now.”

Practice asking yourself “How would someone who LOVES themselves be?”

Notice when your mind is making up stories and apply these;
My mind is telling me a story “I’m not good enough”
When I believe this story “I eat, drink, smoke, do drugs, procrastinate, etc.”
When I heal, resolve + apply love to the parts that are hurting “I will show up and be seen with unconditional LOVE and acceptance for me.”

Since traumatic experiences disconnects us from our authentic expression and sometimes creates fear of relationships and since we heal IN safe relationships finding them is important.

Healing isn’t just focusing on the pain it’s also focusing on experiencing a reconnection with our authentic expression, doing some self discovery, finding hobbies and fun things to enjoy.

I highly recommend doing inner child healing, this has been the key for me in experiencing my authenticity, a loving integrating, a homecoming, self LOVE and inner peace.

“Underneath the traumatized persona is a healthy individual who’s in tune with their heart and soul.”

I would LOVE to say the healing journey is easy, it’s not for the faint hearted, however, it’s also not as scary as staying in our hurt and pain, living in a cloud of misery and not getting to experience our creativity, our authentic expression and what true peace, LOVE and happiness really means.

I share my story and what has helped me and the clients I see and to inspire others and to offer hope and tools for healing to anyone who may be struggling. My path hasn’t been easy but I’m grateful for everything I’ve experienced along the way; I was told by the doctors and therapists that I would never get better and I would always be anorexic (or die from it) and struggle with anxiety and depression; well, here I am today, I’m happy, healthy, I feel at ease and I LOVE myself and others naturally.

Here’s the simple truth I know about you, you my LOVES are naturally beautiful, lovable, valuable and worthy, your presence is a gift to this reality; may you come to know, LOVE, value, appreciate and adore the beautiful and AMAZING BEing you are