Do you struggle with an eating disorder(s); whether it be anorexia, bulimia, over eating, or even compulsive exercise?

I struggled with all the above, when I was a child I constantly ate to cope with being screamed at and to soothe my loneliness and uncomfortable feelings + I was teased for being fat and ugly, then, at age 13 my doctor told me to go on a diet and at age 15 I became a full blown anorexic.

For the next 23 years of my life I was in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and going to therapy and nothing was working, they told me I was acute and I was going to die, ha proved em wrong eh?

So, how did I get to where I am today? I eventually I took my healing into my own hands and through trial and error, going deeper into the root of where it all started and helping that part of me feel LOVED, accepted and safe, I’m now happy and healthy, today, my relationship with myself, food and my body is all about LOVEing, caring and nurturing.

What I’ve come to realEYES is it’s NOT about the food or weight, it IS about the “inner debate.” The outer “appearance” is caused by an inner disturbance.

An “obsession with food and weight” has so many associations to it, that’s why healing isn’t about focusing on the food and weight, the symptoms, those are often symbolic of meeting our needs for safety, LOVE, control, protection, trying to get attention/push away attention and/or unwanted feelings, etc.

When I became anorexic the fear of eating was intense, I also saw myself as a 300 pound woman when I weighed 80 pounds. No amount of trying to show me different helped me see that I was emaciated. I was stuck in the fear when I was teased for being fat as a little girl and my body/mind concluded that was the reason I wasn’t LOVED and accepted by my friends and family.

Anytime I ate I got really anxious, the fear of being fat and not loved and accepted surfaced in a panic feeling so I exercised to soothe that feeling and make sure that “I will never be fat again.”

No matter how much weight I gained in hospitals and treatment centers I would lose it as soon as I left; my automatic programming for survival and safety would kick in when I was back in the world where I just wanted to be LOVED and accepted, not teased and rejected.

However, I didn’t know this at the time, I was just running on the dictates of my body/mind, the fear came in the form of severe panic and anxiety, which was stemming from the trauma of being teased as a child for being fat and ugly, and instead of listening, I exercised that feeling away and was given medication to soothe those feelings, which was just keeping me from understanding what that part of me was needing.

Had I known then how to understand what was really happening and had I gotten that type of assistance from those who were “helping me” I may not have spent 23 years struggling and fighting against myself and life.

Anorexia = self hatred and self deprivation, with an underlying belief that “I don’t deserve to be me or to live this life journey; I’m not a good enough being and there’s something wrong with me.” It may be an indirect way of asking for LOVE and care from others, being sick enough so someone will take care of us, that’s the need that’s driving the behaviors.

Bulimia = reward/punishment with some guilt and shame added onto it. There’s an emptiness inside that food is being used to fill but then a person becomes riddled with guilt. Being bulimic may be meeting a need for relief from depression, stress and/or anxiety and not feeling like we can cope with or deal with “reality.’

Over eating = feeding our emotional needs, it’s also a way to fill a void, numb the hurt and pain, ease stress or anxiety and/or not feeling good enough according to the standards of society. It may be a way to feel comforted and soothed and can be used as a way to reward ourselves too. Many people who over eat are also over weight and weight can be a way to provide the need for protection.

Compulsive exercise = relief from anxiety, depression or whatever feelings or life experiences we don’t want to face. This one is more socially acceptable, but for the person it’s an addiction, a force that makes ya keep going and stopping seems impossible.

All these behaviors happen “automatically” but they weren’t automatic at the beginning. When we started doing it, something inside said “OMG, this is helping me experience relief” from my uncomfortable feelings, what’s happening on my life journey and from the feeling of being disconnected from my authenticity and soon enough those behaviors “control” you and me.

Here’s something to ponder; have you ever been in a situation where you felt worried, anxious, upset or was unpleasing and you found something to soothe you? And did you continue to go back to that person, place or thing that soothed you?

This is how addictions often start, we start doing something to numb our hurt and pain or not face what may feel scary to face. The more we do it, the more it becomes “automatic” and our bodies feel “we need it.”

And, there’s some truth to that; our bodes get addicted to the feelings that eating, starving or compulsive exercise gives us + it’s how we keep “homeostasis” as well as keeping us “safe.”

Wait what? Safe??? Yes, what’s familiar is safe to us, even if it’s not healthy.

In a sense, for me, the eating disorder behaviors I was engaging in were survival mechanisms that “kept me safe” so it DID serve a purpose at the time eh?

But, what did I need to be safe from? Myself, being hurt by others, the hurt and pain I was carrying on the inner plane. Life and not feeling okay to express myself and my feelings, share my talents and gifs, to be authentic, etc. So, hurting myself was safety; which is kinda backwards to our logical thinking.

But our logical thinking isn’t the part of us that’s making our choices when we’re caught in the trance of survival and safety and our emotions over ride any conscious efforting.

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Focusing on the “symptom/food/drugs/alcohol/cigarettes” rarely stops the addiction or helps us experience inner peace; healing takes place on the inner plane and this is different for every body. The symptoms may be the same, but the underlying cause isn’t, get it?

I LOVE this quote “It’s not about what you’re eating, it IS about what’s eating you.”

I didn’t focus on “fixing/changing” the food or exercise during my healing, that fell into place naturally. I focused on loving, healing my childhood traumas and wounding and shifting my internal programming. I went into my shame with compassion and understanding and worked with my core belief that I was unlovable and unworthy and even deeper, that I didn’t deserve to live.

I saw how I was using these “things” to cope with reality, hide + numb my uncomfortable feelings, but just seeing it was only the first step, in order to heal, I needed to feel and go back to where it all started; where me and my true SELF parted.

I had all kinds of false ideas going on internally because of things that were said to me and ways I was treated; given the silent treatment if I didn’t do what my family wanted me to or screamed at for saying what I was thinking or feeling.

Those experiences created false ideas I had about myself and filtered my perceptions of others and the world, I was seeing through the lens of fears, insecurities and believing there was something wrong with me.

I was living in a state of anxiety, not knowing how to be, just trying to get through the day in a safe way, but then, the next day would come and my eating/exercising rituals started all over again. It was an exhausting way to be, but at least I “was safe” eh?

I can share from where I’m at today, but I remember being in it and it was scary. I didn’t want to let go of my protection or it didn’t want to let go of me; it had a strong hold and anytime I didn’t listen to this parts demands, my body would sweat and shake, my heart would race until I exercised those “feelings away.”

By being willing to be with those uncomfortable feelings and understanding what was really going on internally, I eventually started to feel at ease and developed a more loving and caring relationship with myself, others and the world around me.

This wasn’t an overnight fix, healing happens in layers, healing happens when we experience a re-connection with our true essence, with our inner children, allowing them to feel seen, heard, LOVED and accepted.

And, healing is not a forceful thing, our parts are tender and need kindness and compassion AND, if you’ve had trauma or haven’t been able to sit with your feelings, please don’t force yourself to do so, this requires emotional maturity and we get there by being held in a space of unconditional LOVEIng, which is what I do with the clients I see.

Please be discerning because just sitting with our feelings can create re-traumatization if we haven’t learned how to process what’s happening and learned emotional regulating.

Here’s what I’ve concluded about healing from eating disorders and any other addiction;
We heal by bringing compassion, LOVEing and a new understanding to the wounded places that are creating them, most often that started when we were children.

We heal by learning emotional regulating, learning how to feel, process and express our feelings so we can feel safe in our bodies and around other human beings.

We heal by finding healthier ways to get our needs met on all levels of our being, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

We heal when we realize that there’s nothing wrong with us, in fact, we’re pretty damn smart, we found a way to get our needs met and it worked at the time.

We heal when we realize that we’re more than our addictions or eating disorder, there’s a divine presence that lives in you and me, this presence is what I call our souls loving energy, this presence is all loving and all knowing, when we connect with this presence we feel at ease.

In a sense, my journey prepared me for my purpose, today I get to assist beautiful souls like you in BEing happy and free and experience self LOVE and inner peace, when we have this as our foundation we’re more able to be with whatever is happening instead of running away or numbing..

I share my story to offer hope to anyone who may be struggling, I never thought I would be free and feel at ease in my body, today I’m 52 and I’m really just starting to live, so, no matter how long it takes, no matter how long you’ve had an eating disorder, please don’t give up, I’m living proof you can “get better” I’m living proof you can experience the most amazing LOVE “affair” with beautiful and amazing you and the world around you.

You’re a beautiful, lovable and precious soul, you’re worth being nurtured, LOVED and cared for.

LOVEing you my beautiful soul family ?