If you would have told me 20 years ago or even earlier that I would BE happy, healthy, LOVE myself unconditionally, express authentically and feel at peace in my body, I would have said “no way, not me.”

I grew up in a family who criticized and “rejected” me, I took in their criticisms and rejections and started hating myself, and I felt like a worthless human being.

I also learned at a young age to “people please” so I would be LOVED and accepted by my family and society. By doing so and believing the messages I was told, I moved more and more away from the truth at my core.

As a child I ate a lot, eating seemed to help me to feel safe, food was my friend and savior, when I was eating I felt comforted and nurtured.

Then, at age thirteen my doctor told me to lose weight and this was when my relationship with food changed. Instead of eating it, I would just smell it and then throw it down the garbage disposal and I started exercising all day and night.

At age 15 I entered my first treatment center weighing 80 pounds for anorexia/bingeing, depression and anxiety. Little did I know I would spend the next 20 years of my life, going in and out of numerous hospitals and treatment centers, living in fear and struggling with being here. I didn’t know how to relate to people, I hated me and I hated everything about living in this reality.

Even after going through hospitals and treatment centers, I never changed, as soon as I left, I “automatically” resorted back to the “same ol ways.”

Why? I temporarily changed my physical appearance, but I never healed what was going on internally that was needing compassion, LOVE and a new understanding. My unconscious programming, hurt, pain and survival mechanisms were creating my reality.

In treatment all they focused on was putting weight on me, but trying to “cure” the symptoms with food/weight or giving me medication, instead of healing the inner affliction, never helped me to LOVE myself unconditionally, feel at peace in my body, shift how I was viewing myself and reality or find out how the “symptoms” were serving; the secondary gain.

I felt depressed because I wasn’t allowed to express, I felt like I had no purpose or meaning and I had to be who others wanted me to be, which drained my energy.

I felt anxious because I was told that it wasn’t okay for me to feel how I was feeling. Anytime I had a feeling or wanted to ask for something, it wasn’t okay by my family, so I learned to suppress those parts of me. These are natural things that happen for a human being, so trying to deny our feelings and our needs creates anxiety, we’re going against what’s natural for you and me. I also had anxiety because of my trauma hurt and pain.

That pent up energy created emotional blockages in my body, which kept me stuck internally and externally. I never grew up emotionally, I was frozen in time and I automatically responded and reacted in the same ways, from my past hurts and pains.

People saw me as a mentally sick human being and that I needed to take antidepressants, eat and follow their ways; urrgghhhh is all I have to say. This just kept me stuck even more, hating myself and life more than I did before. “Once you label me you negate me.”

They also wanted to give me electric shock therapy, why? I was just a scared little girl inside, wanting to be LOVED and accepted for who I am, not how I should be in the eyes of another woman or man.

Of course I fought the “system” all it did was inflict more pain and made me feel like I was insane. There wasn’t anything wrong with me and I wasn’t crazy, I just found a way to “cope and survive” in a world where I wasn’t allowed to BE me.

The more I did the behaviors and spoke to myself in negative ways, the more I impressed those thoughts and behaviors on my subconscious mind, making them automatic, fixed and habituated, creating more and more self abuse and self hatred.

Eventually everyone gave up on me because they didn’t know what to do or how to help, they felt as powerless as I did. I cried and cried for god to take me, I was struggling against myself and life and I had many attempts at suicide.

So how did things finally change? It came in a gift from my very last treatment center who kicked me out because they weren’t happy with my progress. They said “We didn’t want to take you at the beginning, given your history we knew we couldn’t help you” and they were right, they couldn’t, but I could.

That was the end of going into hospitals and treatment centers and doing traditional therapy and a new beginning of entering into spirituality.

Back into the world I went, not knowing where to go or what to do and then a friend gave me the book “The Power of Intention” by Wayne Dyer, something inside of me was ignited and my new path started to unfold before eyes, I became “a spiritual seeker and my own healer.”

In 2003, I went to hypnosis school and learned about the subconscious mind and how to find the unconscious beliefs that were creating my life. I used hypnosis on myself and I naturally started taking better care of my body and my health.

Then, in 2009 I went to USM, a Spiritual Psychology Program where I started healing the unresolved issues inside of me; my childhood traumas, hurts and wounds and started connecting more with god/source loving energy and loving and accepting myself unconditionally.

I would LOVE to say that I got “healed” right away, however it’s been a process for me and I believe it’s an ongoing journey as long as we’re here in a human body.

What’s the process of healing? Noticing our “unconscious” beliefs, survival mechanisms and our conditioning and shifting what isn’t true about me and you. It’s noticing the difference between the voice of self LOVE and self hate.
It’s finding purpose and meaning by allowing our authenticity to be felt and seen, sharing our talents, gifts and abilities and being of service to humanity.

It’s allowing ourselves to feel what we’re feeling and listening to the messages our feelings are conveying and not using a “substance” to numb or escape. It’s learning how to be with ourselves in loving ways, no matter what’s happening in our earthly play.

It’s healing the trauma, hurt and pain by bringing compassion, LOVE and a new understanding to the parts that are hurting. To me, inner child work is the most important part of healing, they’re really the ones running the show, it’s where our energy got stuck below. When our inner child feels safe and LOVED, we feel more relaxed in our body glove.
ED prohibits erection and thus satisfaction also levitra online as it lowers the self confidence level in bedroom activities and pleasure.

Looking back at my experience at age 13, I recognized that the interpretations, rather the mis-interpretations I made at the time were; “I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t deserve to live or experience any pleasure, I was wrong and flawed, I was rejected because I was defected, it wasn’t okay or safe for me to be me, my body was wrong and in order for me to be okay and accepted, I had to be thin or someone different from who I was.”

Was the way I was experiencing my life reflecting back to me the beliefs, judgments and perceptions I held about myself and the world? Was the eating disorder a way I played out those beliefs, judgments and perceptions? Did I develop an eating disorder because of the suggestion given to me from my doctor to lose weight? Was he my teacher, an angel in disguise?

Was it part of my destiny to have an eating disorder; struggle with suicide, taking pills, depression, anxiety and my sexuality so I can learn how to help/LOVE myself and then help others do the same? Was this an issue I had with needing approval from others in order to approve of myself?

Did I not like who I was because I didn’t feel good enough, worthy or lovable based on the criticisms I heard from others? Did I use eating disorder behaviors to avoid feeling my feelings, numb out and disassociate because I couldn’t handle what I was experiencing?

Was I trying to feel safe and accepted in a world where I didn’t feel like I fit in and and I chose to use eating disorder behaviors to comfort and protect myself? Did I identify myself as an anorexic and depressive and shrink my sense of self down to completely identify with it and isolate myself in the experience?

Did I believe that if I was sick enough, then someone would LOVE me and take care of me?Probably all the above and more, everything happened perfectly for my souls journey.

The eating disorder served a positive purpose; as it gave me a sense of comfort, safety, and control and it worked up until it didn’t. My healing didn’t happen over night, it’s been a process, a wonderful journey of “awakening.” Or perhaps should I say; a wonderful journey of peeling away the layers of conditioning and healing the hurt and pain that was in the way of experiencing my authenticity and allowing peace, LOVE, joy, creativity and abundance to BE felt and seen.

By listening to the symptoms “the eating disorder, depression and anxiety” and what they were conveying to me, instead of trying to get rid of them with medication or fixing what I was eating, I started to BEcome more and more free.

By loving and accepting myself unconditionally and doing the inner healing, those symptoms fell away naturally and my body restored itself to its natural state of health and well BEing, which doctors said was impossible for me, ha, proved em wrong eh?

In quiet times and meditation I receive guidance from my inner wisdom, who assists me in making more loving and positive choices, shows me new ideas and new ways of being that are true for me, and helps me understand the lesson at hand when I’m “triggered” by a situation or another woman or man.

By trusting the process, allowing things to unfold naturally, accepting what’s happening on my life journey, taking personal responsibility and doing the inner healing, I’m now experiencing self LOVE, inner peace and shining authenticity.

I’m still continuing on my journey in my souls growth and learning and supporting other in doing the same; in “essence” I’m living in the loving.

Challenges are a part of life; they give us strength and help us grow. Instead of resisting them or feeling that we’re wrong or bad for having them, a better approach is to accept that they’re here to help us see, even more of who we were created to be and heal the inner debris by bringing compassion, LOVE and understanding to the parts that are hurting so our energy can flow naturally.

I’m grateful for everything that has happened and continues to happen, it’s made me who I am today. Through my experiences I’ve gained a tremendous amount of LOVE, strength, insight and wisdom, I’ve become a more compassionate, loving and understanding BEing and I now get to assist others in doing the same, I’ve found my passion and purpose in this earthly game.

We each have a unique gift we came here to bring, it’s what makes our souls dance and sing, but for some it may blocked with emotional debris. If this is you, I get it, I’ve been there too and know there’s nothing wrong with you.

You’re exactly where you need to be, are you now willing to LOVE and embrace yourself unconditionally? Are you wiling to notice what’s asking for compassion, understanding and LOVE, so you can feel at peace in your body glove?

You’re a beautiful and lovable child of the divine, you’re a treasure in the universe’s mind. Know this truth about you and be easy on you as you move through earth school. You are safe and YOU are LOVED, you’re a gift sent from heaven above.

LOVEing you beautiful souls

 

 

If you would like assistance in Living in the Loving, I would be delighted to support you on your journey. Feel free to go to my services page. My Services